Good gig, bad gig

Good gigs that might not have been : Guy Clarke when he didn't play the only song we knew of his but turned out to be generally awesome anyway; Tony Joe White at spyderfest when he was announced about 5 minutes before he actually found his way through the incredibly thick fog into the tent, but was still wearing sunglasses when he did appear. Gigs that should have been good: Tony Joe White and Mavis Staples and the Muscle Shoals Rythym Section, where they showboated and vamped their way through the whole performance and didn't really bring the funk; Dr John in Amsterdam when the fuckin saxophonist played way too much; when we went to see BB King and super ugly guitarist Gary Moore was his support and overran with his shitty widdly guitar solos so that BB King had to cut his set short to finish on time

Relationship Advice Cliches

I really hate the way 'universally accepted' relationship advice takes the form of cliches which are actually impossible to live by. Some examples which particularly rile me are: 1. Couples who don't row have an unhealthy relationship It's possible that couples who do row made this up to make themselves seem more normal, but I think it's more likely that everyone has their own level of rowing which suits them and they should stick to it. I'm not going to instigate rows so I can have a 'healthy' relationship. 2. Doing things separately keeps the relationship fresh Not sure if this counts when you both want to do things together - I have made attempts to force myself to do things without the Boy Wonder before, and after nearly ten years, I think I am qualified to say that there's nothing more pointless. 3. You should marry someone you can live with, not someone you can't live without The implied exclusivity that one person can't be both pisses me right off. 4. The exciting toe tingling will wear off Then maybe you should too - people who aren't still excited to see each other, or would prefer to spend more time apart should stop telling other people that they must be stupid and immature (although I would probably concede this one in my case) to expect the loved-up stage of their relationship to last. 5. Don't stay with someone because you're scared of being alone The only reason I'm scared of being alone is because I know how much more fun it is to be with the Boy Wonder! 6. Realtionships need work Maybe yours does - mine doesn't. Reading this back, I think I am just fed up of people trying to somehow make out that happy relationships are wrong and that people who enjoy spending time with their partners are either brazen liars, deluded naifs or childish fools who will learn one day that you're not in a proper relationship unless it makes you unhappy. Well screw them and the horse they rode in on.

Trash Talkers

I have recently become aware of people who say really stupid things, such as this: '[if you're}...good to me and help me out then I will return the favour 10 times over. You try to be nasty with me, you have just reincarnated the devil and you are going to see hell.' I'm not sure whether they really think that others will be terrified that bad things will actually happen to them at the hands of these weirdos, but from what I can gather this person's idea of showing someone hell is a very strongly worded letter with a threat of court action. To my mind, this is entirely appropriate considering the circumstances, but I don't know why there was a need to be quite so superlative about the personality traits that lead them to this course of action. Why is being so bipolar about it something you want to shout about? I would never consider it worth publicly announcing that when faced with a problem, I try to take a path which is relatively easy and weigh up whether the likely benefits will warrant the effort and energy spent. I can't begin to imagine how annoying it would be to live with some asshat who's constantly trying to project an image of some kind of Terminator character who uses the power of objective judgement to mete out unrelenting justice to anyone who stands in their way. Maybe I should just stop trying to help idiots on message boards - it's a little like a festering spot that I just can't help picking even though I know that it's only going to get worse and that nobody wants to look at it but for some reason I am drawn to them with an inexorable and depressing fascination.

How would it be...?

How would it be to be a bee?

Books I have no desire to read

1. The Lord of the Rings 2. The Hobbit 3. Any Harry Potter books (may not escape these if we have kids, but not interested myself) 4. Dune (or any variant thereof, although I'm prepared to be purasuaded on this) 5. Watership Down 6. Anything by Stephen King, or any other horror style book - I don't like horror films as I get too excited and have huge adrenaline comedowns which make me feel sick and dizzy, so a book, where the suspense lasts even longer, may have long term side effects on my health.

Books I wanted to read and then did

1. Moby Dick - Herman Melville 2. Day of the Triffids - John Wyndham 3. Gullivers Travels - Jonathan Swift 4. Silas Marner - George Eliot 5. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald 6. Animal Farm - George Orwell 7. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley 8. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert 9. Mrs Dalloway - Virginia Woolf 10. Dr Zhivago - Boris Pasternak 11. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee 12. The Catcher in the Rye - J D Salinger 13. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck 14. The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck 15. Slaughterhouse-Five - Kurt Vonnegut 16. The Mill on the Floss - George Eliot 17. Three Men in a Boat - Jerome K Jerome 18. Three Men on the Bummel - Jerome K Jerome 19. The French Lieutenant's Woman - Fowles Surely there are more? I have been on a programme of alternating classics with 'other' for years now, and I can only think of 15 books that I have read?

Ringing people on speakerphone

Why do people feel the need to call comeone, put their phone on speakerphone, and then subject everyone in the office to the sound of the phone ringing? Is it less annoying to be waiting when you can annoy your colleagues? Are you under the impression that other people are going to be impressed with your phoning skills? Or do you genuinely not understand that it's really annoying to put your own desire not to have to handle the phone above others' desire not to have to listen to yet another annoying noise in the course of their day?

The boy who did just enough

I discussed with my brother last night, in the course of one of our too rare phonecalls, the fact that nobody really admits the realities of working life particularly to youngsters, and thus the idea of 'neutra-vational' kids' books was born. I'm pretty sure that a significant number of people have based their lives on a carefully balanced ability to do just enough to get by - no extra hours and extra stress, but not happy to do nothing either. The concept of doing just enough seems one which is either ignored by those super motivated individuals who like to spend their time telling everyone how to be just like them, or dismissed as the mindset of the lazy. Presumably highly motivated people have an unfair advantage in 'selling' their way of life, because by their very nature they are keen to earn more money, organise others and use their time effectively, and what could combine these three passions more efficiently than a career in motivational speaking? Conversely, those who do just enough to get by probably never consider that they have made a 'lifestyle choice' thinking of it instead as a way to get all the crap stuff done without it cutting into your free time too much. There is definitely a scale of perceived 'worthiness' for pass times - watching films seems to be considered a far worthier use of time than watching TV for example. People will say they are really into films, and are perceived as art enthusiasts, whereas very few people would say that they are really into TV, and those that do are considered lesser somehow as though the length of a programme (which for me is the only difference) makes the difference between art and trash. Reading has a more subtle scale as it's so much more solitary, so you can read 'worthy' books, but then you have to tell people about them, whereas reading a 'trashy' book is unlikely to make the conversational grade unless someone else is reading it too. Then there's the matter of careers. There are plenty of careers which terrify me - anything medical, teaching, air traffic control and the like where tuning out for half an hour to collect your thoughts simply isn't an option. You can't make a class of 6 year olds do something quiet requiring no input from you just because you haven't really got a handle on the day and can't work out how to get yourself going. You can't nip off from your monitor to get some Lucozade to keep your eyes open if that 1 minute break could cause untold numbers of planes to crash into the very tower which contains that fridge. And you can't get half way through heart surgery, realise you haven't paid your car tax and nip off to sort it out online for 5 minutes before carrying on. I don't think I could live like this, and that is one of the reasons these careers aren't ones that you just 'fall into' like my job. You can't start off as an administrator for a hospital and then by a series of lucky breaks end up elbow deep in someone's chest cavity just because it turned out you knew where everything was kept and wouldn't need as much training as someone new. However, these are jobs that you have to really want to do, and given that I naturally assume that anyone who actively wants to work is either lucky enough to have a job that coincides with their hobby or mental (which is essentially the difference between the Boy Wonder wanting to make a living from playing the guitar, and undertaking private veterinary work on your kitchen table), I find the whole thing a bit confusing. This is probably how I managed to leave university with no more idea of what I wanted to do as a job than I had when I began my A-levels. But who tells you about the jobs that most people do? My current job simply didn't exist when I was at school, so even the most motivational teacher would have been hard-pressed to give me a head start in online marketing. It wouldn't have mattered though - I spent the formative years of my life being told I was not 'reaching my full potential' only to find that this is something actively encouraged in a work environment. My current job allows me to reach my potential within the confines of the potential of others, either from a technical, business or interest level point of view. I think telling children that working harder is better is not only setting them up for a future of work/life balance issues, but misleading them into thinking that most jobs actually appreciate the potential of an employee rather than hoping they will not cause trouble, challenge the status quo or upset those who wish to maintain their position of 'doing just enough'. I am happy to do just enough, but if I weren't, I would be an individual thwarted at every turn by the limits of my colleagues, our budget and the near-obsessive greed of my boss. Fortunately, I am happy to do what I can and avoid anything that will frustrate or annoy me on the grounds that I get paid the same whether I give myself an ulcer or not, and if it comes to it, I would much rather be at home with the Boy Wonder and a pint than worrying myself over something which will make someone else rich. My brother and I were struck with a fervour at the idea that children should be encouraged not to really stretch themselves - the overwhelming odds against their efforts being recognised or providing any level of personal satisfaction mean that a life spent enjoying yourself, working as much as you need to to do so and trying not to worry about things must be just as satisfying as climbing Everest and coming home with a blackened stump where your toes used to be. So, to celebrate this, we came up with the idea of 'The Boy Who Did Just Enough'. If only either of us could be bothered to write it, it could be good...