Naughty Pets - Mogbad

I loved Mogbad very much, so much so that I wrote a song about my love for him to convince the Boy Wonder to let us foster him which went thus (to the tune of 'A Very Good Year' by Frank Sinatra): When I was 27, I met a very nice cat A very nice cat, who was very sad His name was Mogbad However, his appeal did not extend to impressive displays of intellect, resulting in the following rules being written in an attempt to 'train' him: * Dribbling may be a sign of your pleasure, but please don't feel the need to share your joy with the contents of my bag * Just because you fell off the sofa and we laughed does not mean you have the right to anchor yourself to my leg to save future embarrasment. In fact, if you fall asleep in an odd position, it is rarely acceptable to use my skin to grapple your way back to safety. * Although you are funny when you have catnip, jumping on top of the fridge and eating an entire box while I am at work will probably make you feel queasy and paranoid. Do not inflict your come-down on me by alternately hiding in the waste paper bin and attacking used tissues and then lolling around in doorways staring at cupboards. * If the stairs have always baffled you, but you have taken the plunge and decided to see what's up there, don't try to hide your adventuring spirit by shooting under the bed when you're rumbled and then sneezing in the dust for 20 minutes before emerging with fluff in your whiskers. *I asked the vet and he said there is NO reason for you to be licking soot from the fireplace. I did tell him that I thought you were super intelligent and capable of identifying minerals which were lacking in your diet, but, as you may you recall, he laughed and said he thought you were just a bit stupid. Because it was during my spirited defence of your intelligence that you fell out of the scales and off the examining table, I decided not to pursue the matter, but I don't think I am to blame for his opinion of you. *Also, the fire in the grate today is about as hot as it was yesterday when you burnt your nose on it. It will be that hot again tomorrow, and every day from then on until the weather is warmer, whilst the available sympathy levels will diminish every time you do it. Please don't be offended if we laugh at you. *I know you're a bit old a creaky, so don't be surprised if I am not impressed that you found a dead mouse and brought it home - I am well aware that you are too slow, stupid and lazy to catch anything which was alive, and so whilst you are welcome to do whatever you want to it outside, stop bringing it through the catflap every half an hour in the hope that I will be moved to raptures by your achievement. * The cats next door can get back out of the shed via the hole in the back panel, whereas you seem unable to navigate it, so it might be best if you didn't follow them in there. However it was sweet watching them trying to 'explain' to you how to get out while you sat there looking confused and crying. * If you play that game where you jump in and out of the box, it will eventually flip up and trap you underneath. If urgent rescue is such a priority this time, you shouldn't have just fallen asleep under there last time as it gave us the impression you weren't that bothered. * This is the most important one, so pay attention: I know that I wanted you to stop weeing in that plant, but I do NOT remember endorsing the use of the 8 way plug extension next to it as a suitable alternative. Continued weeing on it will have one of two outcomes a) you will get electrocuted and I will come home to find a dead moggy covered in wee behind the TV b) I will get a call from the fire brigade telling me that they have had to put my house out and curiously the point of the fire's origin seems to be a dead moggy covered in wee behind the TV. Neither of these scenarios appeal to me, so please use the cat flap you walked past to access more suitable territories for relieving yourself.