Drunk me vs sober me

Due to the recent requirement for me to give up drinking, I have been spending a lot of time around drunk people whilst sober. This has lead to the surprising discovery (although perhaps only surprising to me) that, apart from the obvious physical effects, I am about the same when drunk as when sober. Although I am aware that I do not enjoy being out of control when drunk and try to avoid getting 'falling over' intoxicated, I kind of assumed that there would be some lessening of my inhibitions when under the influence of alcohol, however it turns out that I was incorrect. I can't quite work out whether I am generally just predisposed to telling inappropriate stories regardless of whether I've been drinking, or whether my dislike of excessive drunkenness (for no more uptight reasons than that I throw up really - I realise it sounds a little like I'm some kind of temperance fanatic) means that I just have a similar approach to sharing no matter how much I've drunk. I can't work out whether that's admirable or stupid, but it's certainly an eye opener.

Things I have learnt since having an open fire

1. Although corrugated cardboard, of the kind widely used to package products for delivery, makes an excellent substitute for newspaper, it is mysteriously easier to tear it across the corrugations than along them. I assumed they would form kind of 'easy tear' lines, but instead they mostly form paper cuts on your knuckles.

2. The bags that you get medication in from pharmacies contain something magical (or possibly copper based) which burns green and are therefore to be saved for special occasions.

3. You can (or rather we can) put sparklers on the fire to add a festive touch to the flames - don't get carried away and just light outdoor sparklers indoors without a fireplace though or your smoke alarm will go off for ever.

4. Cream crackers are surprisingly flammable and if you put a whole packet on the fire, you will be impressed, then terrified at the results.

5. Dryer fluff is also surprisingly flammable, although collecting enough to replicate the 'cream cracker' effect is more likely to end up in a drier fire.

6. Fortunately for us, the huge pieces of coal which sometimes get spat out of the fire are generally not that hot, but don't assume that's true of all of them and pick one up with your fingers.

7. Holding something over the fireplace to make it draw is a much more effective way of getting things going than flapping at it ineffectually with a piece of cardboard which will do little more than cover your and the entire room in ash and smoke.

8. Just because you can burn almost anything doesn't mean you should e.g cheese rind will make the whole room smell of burning cheese, chewing gum will stick to something and sizzle for hours etc

9. Paper is surprisingly hard to burn unless you're not trying to. Many's the time I have tried in vain to coax a piece of paper into flames only to have it repeatedly put itself out, but if you drop one vital receipt anywhere near the fire it will get sucked in and vapourized before you can even weigh up the merits of jamming your hand in to get it back.

10. Chimney sweeping is a surprisingly lucrative profession - ours is constantly rushed off his feet and although his charges are perfectly reasonable as far as I'm concerned, he still must be coining it in. He also has what I consider an unhealthy interest in wood burners.

11. It's apparently lucky to have a chimney sweep at your wedding, meaning he is as much in demand for social functions as he is for professional engagements.

Learning at work

One of the beauties of my job, apart from the fact that almost nobody in the company actually understands what I do, is that I have managed to appropriate the tasks I want to do whilst avoiding those which don't really interest me, which is particularly pleasant at the moment as I am writing copy for a brochure about the UK's National Parks, which essentially means reading stuff about the parks themselves, and then regurgitating it in brochure appropriate tones and in bite-size chunks with snappily encouraging asides and the occasional witty (no puns - that's one step too far) remark. During the course of this I have learnt a fair amount about our national parks, not least that the features which make them different from one another are few and far betwen unless you want to go into the latin names of the species that can be found there. I learnt briefly about fishing while I was trying to work out whether angling was just fishing (it is - the angle is the hook) but had to stop when I saw pictures. I have learnt some stuff about cars (Enzo is a pretty cool name for someone who makes cars that people are so boring about), some stuff about dolphins and reindeer and plenty of less edifying things about where small airfields are around the country and the things women let strangers do to them in the name of beauty. All in all however, I just like to learn things, and despite the drawbacks of my job, I am glad I manage to make learning a part of it.

What do I really need to know about the Corn Laws?

I feel cheated that a large part of the history syllabus when I was at school focused on the Corn Laws, followed by a fascinating insight into the repeal of the Corn Laws. Every time I have thought about this, I have been surprised at how little I remember of these except that I didn't really understand them when I was 14, although in fairness, there was a lot of stuff I didn't understand then and it was mostly because I wasn't paying any attention and me and my friends were too busy taking the mickey out of our history teacher, who was unfortunately named Mr Guy. However, having suddenly thought about it again recently, I decided to look it up and see if I had been missing out on a fascinating and worthwhile slice of historical know how. So I did, and whilst I now appreciate the importance of the law's abolition in terms of free trade (a concept which I have a sketchy understanding of at this age, but had no real idea about at 14) I really cannot fathom what possessed the examining board to choose this particular period in history as one to which all GCSE students must be introduced. When you think that history effectively covers everything since the world began, I find it hard to conceive of the kind of mind that couldn't think of a time period more suited to engaging the minds of adolescents - anything with blood would have done for a start. There's just so much to learn, but subjects like this really did put me off history as a subject - the focus always seemed to be on learning dates rather than understanding how the events of the past have impacted on our present and how they will continue to affect the future. So, I can safely say that not only did the Corn Law syllabus fail to provide the basis for what should have been my understanding of the Corn Laws, it simultaneously put me off history at a point in my life when I could easily have been quite inspired to find out more.

The thing I wish I’d known

Inspired by my brother and his blog, I started considering this topic and it has certainly given me food for thought:

The thing I wish I had known was that it’s much easier to be happy than to be anything else. I spent years feeling as though I had missed something that everyone else was aware of, or that I was the one who was not in on a universally understood secret. I wanted to be popular but didn’t really have much in common with the people I thought I wanted to be friends with. I wanted to be one of the girls that the boys fancied, but I didn’t actually fancy any of those boys. The things I thought I wanted turned out not to be the things I really wanted. I thought life should come to be and invite me to join in rather than realising that if I wanted something I had to go and get it, and nobody would be feeling sorry for me if I decided to stay in at the weekend because nobody had called me rather than just calling someone and asking what they were doing.

I would also have liked to know that I was good at things which could be made into a career – I was so aimless at school, and then for another three years at university, and then for another couple of years before I found a job that I actually enjoy doing and am keen to learn about. Careers advice seemed uncannily tailored to the jobs which I claimed I wanted to do – journalist, child psychologist etc – regardless of the fact that I wasn’t really cut out for any of them. I wish I’d known about jobs other than nurse, teacher and ‘something in an office’, although I can’t complain that there is anything I would change about my life now (although, obviously, pots of money would make things easier and there would be less frustrating days at work).

On a lighter note, I also wish I’d known that a terrible nostalgia would descend as I approach my 30s – had I known how much I would regret it 15 years later, I would never have given away my Ramona Books.