100 things (11-20)

11. I am a terrible drunk, by which I mean I am prone to either illness or unconsciousness with bouts of plain speaking in between. Part of the problem is that I seem to go straight from sober to very drunk with little warning, meaning that the need for unconsciousness comes on suddenly. Last year, the Boy Wonder and I found ourselves in a punt drinking Super Strength Strongbow. Far from the delightfully drinkable and non-damaging (in the short-term at least) Strongbow that is our friend, this was the kind designed for dwellers of doorways and hard-core functioning alcoholics coming in at 7.5% ABV and representing nearly a day's recommended alcohol consumption in just one can. Such was the effect of drinking this, and a few other things, that I ended up leaning back on the Boy Wonder whilst he played the guitar, slowly losing my grip on consciousness as we gently punted down the river. The next day, I discovered that I had vast bruises across the whole of my back where I had been resting in a ludicrously awkward position which I had failed to notice in my desire to rest my weary eyes. Fortunately, the Boy Wonder propped me up and took me home, but I hate to think what would have become of me had I had to walk anywhere. The plain talking involves me being a little too honest with people, although I'm not the type to get in fights etc, and haven't ever really got my self in trouble (thus far at least!). 12. When the Boy Wonder and I are watching television, if he goes to the loo or gets up to get water, I will be playing a game, fiddling with something or otherwise entertaining myself until he gets back. I can easily watch TV with him without any extra distractions, but for some reason, when he's out of the room I find it very hard to watch without doing at least one other thing. 13. I am really clumsy and often find myself covered in bruises for which I have little or no explanation. In the run up to the wedding, I surpassed my previous inability to negotiate my way around the house and on my wedding day my legs looked like I had been beaten and my big toe nails were both stuck on with superglue after repeated and painful stubbing incidents in the weeks running up to the event. More recently I managed to hit my foot on a wicker waste paper basket in such a way that it swelled up and rendered me incapable of walking. The Boy Wonder is also quite clumsy, having managed to twist his ankle in his sleep and needing crutches after slipping four inches of the back of a lorry. I fear that our future children will be on some kind of register almost as soon as they are capable of independent movement, and possibly sooner if either of us manages to drop, knock or otherwise dent them. 14. I wish I could whistle with my fingers, but despite being able to produce a piercing whistle just using my mouth and several attempts to learn from skilled proponents of the art I always end up with a sore mouth, spit-covered hands and a deflated sense of personal achievement. 15. I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my crazy hair. I have very fine hair - despite the fact that it comes down to my waist, you can hold the lot in the fist of one hand - and around my face for some reason I have fluffy, curly hairs which are shorter than the rest of my hair and stick out at right angles to the rest of my head. I always thought these were due to my carelessness and drunken misadventure in my teens, but now I am approaching 30 and it has been several years since I have drunkenly lit any illicit tobacco product from the hob of a cooker, so I can only assume that these are natural. I have been trying to train them, which has been monumentally unsuccessful insofar as all I have achieved it transforming them from fluffy dandelion-style tendrils to full on ruched Charlie's Angels style horns. I am not a great fan of having my hair cut and I have a feeling it's now been over a year since I had it done, but I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that it makes no odds what I do, these stupid tiny hairs will be there ruining things no matter what! 16. I am faddy about food and will happily eat the same meal several times in a row when I am in the first flush of love with a new or rediscovered dish. 17. I don't really make new year's resolutions, due to the potential of monumental failure, but this year I decided I wanted to make two which were: to try seafood (I selected mussels as they seem pretty harmless compared to bigger, slimier creatures like oysters) and to make more pies. My main concern is that to give mussels a fair chance, I should try and eat them fresh and properly cooked, meaning at a restaurant, but I am not entirely sure I'm not allergic to shellfish, meaning that could be an awful idea. Oh well, the pie plan should be coming along in the near future as after eating pie made by one of our friends last weekend, the Boy Wonder and I are inspired and I have ordered pastry and pie fillings to be delivered tonight. 18. I love grammar and spelling to the point where the Boy Wonder has told me off for correcting fliers to an illegal rave. Even this point is annoying because I can never decide whether to use 'flier' or 'flyer' and I get angry with television, newspapers, websites and almost any form of media where they don't even get the basics right. I'm fine with ending on prepositions - I'll probably notice it, but I won't object - but I can't stick apostrophe abuse, misspelling of commonly used words and, thanks to this website the improper use of lowercase Ls. Tooth grinding often ensues, but I wouldn't write to a newspaper about it, so I consider the problem to be under control. I should point out that I do not correct people when they're speaking aloud, except the Boy Wonder occasionally and he normally brings it on himself. In fairness, a lot of what I do involves writing or proofing copy for print, so it's not entirely unnatural, but I do wonder whether my job is a product of my love of spelling and grammar or the other way round. 19. My nut allergy is potentially fatal, but I would rather have my animal allergy fixed - missing out on Toblerone is something I can live with, missing out on kittens is something that makes me sad, and if we have kids I don't want to deprive them of having pets because of my allergies. I also don't want to deprive the Boy Wonder, but he knew about it before he married me, so he's only got himself to blame! 20. I sleep like a dead hamster with my right arm bent up and my wrist tucked under my chin. No matter what position I go to sleep in or how awkward it is to get it there, somehow I will find a way to sleep like this. My Mum and my grandma are the same, which is strangely comforting to me.